Community Forum

I was recently diagnosed with Crohn's and am still working out how Crohn's fits into my life.  (I have Crohn's, it doesn't have me!;) My family, friends, and co-workers know about it and are supportive but I'm still figuring out when I feel it is appropriate to share with people I date.  I do want to be married and have children some day and never considered that disease may be something that would come along with this "package".  Just wanted to hear about some of your experiences and advice. Thanks!

 Reply posted for maelee.

i was diagnosed with crohn's in june 2004. i started dating david (who is now my husband!) in june 2004. it was a crazy time, because i didn't exactly understand what was wrong with me, and so it was hard to convey to david what was going on. but i was upfront with him the whole time, and so he wasn't surprised when i had to rush away from the table during dinner to make it to the bathroom, or why we had to make so many stops at bathrooms on road trips, or why i had to take so many pills every day! and (this is why i married him; he is wonderful!) he didn't freak out when i had occasional "accidents." david's attitude is, ahem, stuff happens, and sometimes...stuff literally happens.

but anyway, it was much harder for me to be upfront with other people (acquaintences, co-workers, people at church) b/c i didn't want to appear "weak" or "sick." but i eventually realized that there is nothing to be ashamed of; having crohn's is part of who i am. so when people ask why i am limping, i tell them that i have crohn's disease, and arthritis is a side effect. and i don't get all self-conscious when i have to go to the bathroom in a the middle of a meeting, because people understand that's just a part of having crohn's.

i would not tell a guy about your crohn's during a first date, unless it just happens to come up during conversation or something. by the third date, however, i would say something...i don't know what techniques you could use to bring it into conversation...but if a guy can't handle that you have crohn's, at least you've only wasted three dates on him. because you don't want to waste your time dating a guy who can't accept all of you!

 Reply posted for maelee.

It took me a long time to come to terms with my diagnosis.  In the end, you can either hide from it, or just accept it.  It's not going to magically disappear, even if you aren't having a flare.  I haven't decided when it's a good time to tell people, especially if you are feeling fine, but not telling people (to me) seems like hiding it.  Like you haven't come to terms with it.  Family and friends, most were there when it started... telling new people is harder.  If it's gonna fit into the life you want rather than dictate it, people just have to know.

 Reply posted for maelee.

For me I was dating someone when I had my first flare up we had only been dating a few weeks when I called him from the hospital and he came there to see me.  I was still confused about what was happening... He stood by my side and we learned together, its been three years now and we are living together and talking about the idea of marriage.  I think that you will find the right time to tell the person you are seeing and being a turnoff or not if they care about you then they will stand by your side as support.

 Reply posted for JenB2004.

I just wanted to add that it wasn't just my hubby who didn't realize what I was coping with for so long.  No one knew, really.  I was thought of as the one who pestered to stop at the bathrooms more frequently on car rides.  It's something thinking back now how I used to sit on my heel and pretend to "tie my shoelace" when trying to stop a BM from letting lose in the middle of an aisle.  Didn't they ever realize they weren't undone?

I'm almost thankful that I didn't know about having CD before getting married.  I think I would've worried more about having a sudden urge to use the bathroom during Church than ever.  I knew I wanted to keep my stomach "quiet" that morning so I had two smalls bagels for breakfast.  If I was then how I am now on meds: much better, having less BMs and less of a cranky stomach, then I think I would've been okay too, though.

Jen

 Reply posted for maelee.

Hi there!  I can't help you with the dating aspect of this since I was diagnosed after I was married .  I met my hubby when I was 19 and he was 20.  This year we're going to be 29 and 30!!  When I was 27, I was diagnosed in July '07; I was realeased from the hospital on our 3rd anniversary (1st ann - The Melting Pot fondue restaurant, 2nd ann - steaks at home, 3rd ann - chicken and white rice).  I was a real mess with fever, night sweats, abdominal pain, bloating, loss of appetite for a good two weeks before I went to the ER and found out I had an abscess.  It was only then that my hubby found out I had diarrhea at least 4 times every day.  I had been dealing with symptoms since I was 14, I just didn't know they were all part of one chronic disease so I just coped with them on my own.  The night we found out I had CD, he and my mom both cried because they wished it was them that had gotten the disease and not me. 

In short - you can tell people or hide from people what you want.  When you do open up with people what you are dealing with - the right ones will sympathize with your frustrations, pain, embarassment, and anger - and stick by your side.  The best ones will go out and get you waterice and jello and/or will pick up your Rx's when you're not feeling up to it.

Take care,
Jen

 Reply posted for maelee.

I am fortunate enough to have dated some very understanding women. Also I am Blessed enough to have found a woman who not only understands what my life is like with Crohn's but she embraces it and even prods me to take better care of myself.