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This disease makes me crazy!!

Mon, May 16, 2011 11:11 PM

http://www.ccfacommunity.org/Story.aspx?storyid=882

That is my story from a couple of weeks ago.

What can I say besides the fact that this disease makes me go insane. I am so *expletive* tired of this disease BEING me instead of me being a person with Crohn's. I am so tired of putting on the "strong" face for those around me. I am so tired of fighting myself.

If you've read my story above this may make more sense. I was 2 days out of the hospital following surgery to have over 5 feet of my intestine removed for Crohn's and my (then) fiance's good friend from STL (also a close friend of mine) came to stay with us. Bad timing, YES, but I appreciated a friendly face. I found out later that she said to my (then) fiance something to the effect of, "he treats you and/or acts like its cancer." Honestly I dont remember much from surgery to 1 month out because of all the Percocet I was on but again I stress that I have never been unreasonable or mean. Needy, yes! But unreasonable, No.

I realize now that a part of me wishes it was cancer. Its sick to say I know. But I feel like then I would have something to "fight" against. A foreign invader; a tumor that doesnt belong. My enemy is myself with Crohn's. My body itself is defunct.

I am losing my will to fight.

I am tired of the pain.

I am tired of the countless hours I spend in the bathroom.

I am tired of wiping myself until I am raw and bloody.

I am tired.

This disease is the fight for my life and only one will win. I pray daily that it is me.

bca131
Joined Dec 9, 2008

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