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http://www.ccfacommunity.org/Story.aspx?storyid=882

That is my story from a couple of weeks ago.

What can I say besides the fact that this disease makes me go insane. I am so *expletive* tired of this disease BEING me instead of me being a person with Crohn's. I am so tired of putting on the "strong" face for those around me. I am so tired of fighting myself.

If you've read my story above this may make more sense. I was 2 days out of the hospital following surgery to have over 5 feet of my intestine removed for Crohn's and my (then) fiance's good friend from STL (also a close friend of mine) came to stay with us. Bad timing, YES, but I appreciated a friendly face. I found out later that she said to my (then) fiance something to the effect of, "he treats you and/or acts like its cancer." Honestly I dont remember much from surgery to 1 month out because of all the Percocet I was on but again I stress that I have never been unreasonable or mean. Needy, yes! But unreasonable, No.

I realize now that a part of me wishes it was cancer. Its sick to say I know. But I feel like then I would have something to "fight" against. A foreign invader; a tumor that doesnt belong. My enemy is myself with Crohn's. My body itself is defunct.

I am losing my will to fight.

I am tired of the pain.

I am tired of the countless hours I spend in the bathroom.

I am tired of wiping myself until I am raw and bloody.

I am tired.

This disease is the fight for my life and only one will win. I pray daily that it is me.

 Reply posted for rcovin6246.

What the heck are you talking about? If you are going to post something, you should post it in the right category and be more specific as to what helped you get better. So what made you better and how is this related to the original posters comments?

 Reply posted for bca131.

rcovin6246 Joined: July 12, 2008

Posted: Jun 4, 2011 7:44 PM EST I was told back in 2008 after years of problems that I had Crohn's . I already had IBS and diverticulois. I have been on double dosage of Lialda since. I recently had my liver counts go triple over normal on one and double over on the other. I decided to try. I have been going for three weeks and have stopped my Crohn's medicine completely and have had little to no symptoms. I was going to the bathroom 7-10 times daily and over the last three weeks are going 1-2 times daily. Has anyone else had this type of results and why had I never heard of it.

 Reply posted for bca131.

P.S. Crazy is cool. It builds character. : )

 Reply posted for bca131.

you are not alone brother! i read your entire profile. everything you said i can relate to. i know your frustrations with the illness all too well. i know brother, some people just don't undertand us and never will. it's lonely at times, believe me i know.

i am 37 and i have had crohn's for 20+ years. 17 of which were of absolute *** . sureries, tpn, hospitalizations, tons of meds, job losses. i felt i was just stuck in this state of being misunderstood and kicked around by society. i taylored everything in my life around this dang illness. i try not to reflect on it all because it severely depresses me.

i lost my home the love of my life i lived in my car for 3 months, and i just lost a friend to the illness from complications. i decide to go get some therapy because i was so depressed and frustrated with it all i  tried to end my life twice.

the therapy is helping. i feel safe and i can trust these people.

i know you feel that this illness is unfair and has ruined my life. i definately do feel that way.

my new outlook on life is that life is like walking a tightrope with the abyss of your life looming below. you have to look foward and never down brother! once you look down it's like a moth to a flame and there is no bottom to that abyss.

ihope this analogy helps change your thoughts. i hope you have the courage to go see a therapist. a compassionate one who understands the complexities this disease has on our body and minds.

hang in there! i care for your well being bro!
life is short, don"t take it too seriously. go have some crazy fun!!! go skydiving : )

 Reply posted for bca131.

Yup, it's not fun.  But take heart--there are ways to manage the illness and still lead a relatively active life.  Despite 2 resections and a very intimate knowledge of all bathrooms on my way to work, I've still managed to have a successful career in both the public and private sectors, professionally acted in theater and film productions, maintained my status as a keyboardist in two bands, acquired a graduate degree, been certified to scuba dive down to 100', and have traveled extensively (including teaching English in China).

Try to isolate the disease in your mind--that it's not you but something outside of you.  In other words, don't let CD define you.

Hope this helps.