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Can you face yourself?

Sat, March 21, 2009 12:00 AM

good morning all! i was reading an earlier post in this forum (second or third from the bottom) called say something about yourself. when i finished reading, it got me to thinking about myself and what i have learned from all this. here goes..

back in '99 i was diagnosed with life-threatening depresson. back then, it was something you simply didn't talk about, only to very close friends, etc. etc. while going through that darkness, i could say i saw the depths of what *** might look like and to this day remember the day the wellbutrin kicked in. eventually, i was able to continue my life's journey and felt good about life, myself, etc.

in april of 2007, i started to suffer from constipation. eventually, i got my doctor to send me to a (quack) gi specialist and then i revisited the depths of *** again. through more then i can remember ct scans, endo/colonoscopies, capsule endoscopies, poking, proding, i started wondering to myself, "why me?" i truly believe in karma and we reap what we sow. i developed crohn's disease. being like many people, i had a hard time accepting it and went (and continue to) through a roller coaster ride of emotions. in february, when diagnosed with interstitial cystitis and some of the worst bladder infections i have ever known, again i asked myself "why?" what have i done to *iss the universe off? i try to lead a positive life, helping others, etc. with my last round of 'scopies and i heard my new (and truly amazing) gi doctor tell me i had a hiatial hernia and ibs, i caved in. i started losing faith in the world around us and the higher power. i saw it, i felt it, the will to go on was lessening each day. when my doctor told me this month i have grade ii chondromalacia in both knees, i told him i wanted to die. i cannot take anymore. i kept asking myself, god, anyone who would listen, what, why, how?

aca11
Joined Mar 3, 2009

Sat, March 21, 2009 12:00 AM

Reply posted for ACA11.

I know we all want to know why. Truly I did the same thing-reached through my life and tried to figure out what I had done wrong that I was punished with this. But please realize that you did not "do" anything to deserve this, and sure we reap what we sow- but you know- bad things happen to good people. And really crummy people get to be healthy wealthy and worry free. Why that is- who knows. But please don't beat yourself up. It is hard- and you have a right to feel down. But try to find small things to look forward to. Remember each day you plow through is a major feat!!!!!! Allow yourself (even if no one else does) to revel in that massive accomplishment. I wish I could say the words that would inspire more- hang in there......

asohn
Joined Dec 22, 2008

Sat, March 21, 2009 12:00 AM

Reply posted for ACA11.

cotinued.....

When my GI doctor said yesterday I had to come off the Azathioprine due to pancreatitis and he was not putting me on any medication because my Crohn's has calmed down, it was the sweetest music to my ears. And then again, I asked why am I going through this, what did I do to deserve this?

Finally, last night, after drinking some pear juice, it struck me. I took a moment to go within and I looked back, way back, and what did I see? I saw a life filled with junk food, addictions to Pepsi, sugar, fast food, the whole nine yards. Up until February of this year, I didn't drink water, it was gross in my opinion. Look at me now.

I eat healthy, lost the weight my doctor advised 8 months ago, water is consumed in gallons a day, juice is a major staple to give the water some variety and I am fascinating with a wholistic, more natural way of living my life now.

In simple terms, I feel I did this to myself and I have accepted it. There is no sense in beating myself up for it, it would just make me feel lousy and put me in bed for a day or two. LOL

I don't feel I'm "cured", not yet at least. I am doing the research every spare minute I can on food intake and making lists of other diets that have worked for others and hope to come up soon with one that will lead me on a even more healthier journey.

Thanks for listening.