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I am now about 6 years out from surgery for my Ulcerative Colitis.  Though my quality of life was improved post surgery, my life has never been the same after this surgery.  The last year has been a nightmare as I went through three hernia related surgeries in the last 12 months and think I now may be facing another.

I recently found out that my wife of many years no longer loves me and does not know if she can take this anymore.  My heart is broken and I am typing this as I think of her and the memories we have created.  Much of her reasoning is the shell that she says I went into during the past years surgeries where I built up a wall and closed her out. 

She tells me she still cares about me deeply but has not been able to say the "L" word since she told me she had these feelings.  I just don't know if I can go on with our marriage knowing she does not love me.  She says she is trying to work through things and feels lost right now but she leaves on weekend excursions regularly of late and does not tell me where she is going or about what she is thinking. 

I talked to someone about this professionally and explained my feelings but they said I am going through normal logical thoughts and emotions.  I agree with their assessment but it does not take away the hurt I am feeling.  I have always been a sensitive man and this feels like a break up though she continues to tell me that she needs time and space to figure things out. 

I am just dumbfounded right now as I feel this came out of nowhere and here response is always that she has been feeling this way since the hernia surgeries began but could not tell me for fear of my health.  I am afraid she waited to long for herself to give me a chance to change.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 Reply posted for RachelD.

Thank you Rachel for the thought provoking words and the book reference.  I will take a look for it as my hope for reconciliation is all but gone.  I wish you the best in your relationship as well!

 Reply posted for Drew.

   I can understand your frustrastion and helplessness.  My fiance has ulcerative Colitis and while I assured him I would be by his side through thick and thin, his flare ups make him moody and withdrawn which sounds like what you went through.  I've read a lot of the so-called "girly relationship books" but you know it actually helped me see things from your guys' perspectives and understand why you guys become withdrawn when you don't feel good.  But I can also understand your wife's perspective.  It's very touch emotionally to love love love and support support support and not get agknowledgement or appreciation back for as long a time as healing from this disease takes between flares.  It slowly drains every ounce of love you've got left out of you to give when you feel like you're the only one in it and you slowly just start giving up.  I'm not saying this is either one of your faults! but I can sympathize I've gone through it... still going through it at times... but she needs to understand how this effects you and that its not her fault.  And she needs to see that you still love her and appreciate her for struggling with you. There has to be a reason you two fell in love, the reasons are still there and those things about the other are still in that person.  People don't change, things in life prioratize their attention and moods in a different mannor, but the essance of that person is still the same. I suggest purchansing a book called, "The Love Dare" and doing what the book says it's helped me.   Hang in there, you're not alone. 

 Reply posted for Drew.

this makes me really sad. i know that your health issues are *** your relationship.  we sometimes don't understand how hard it is for our family and friends to deal with our health issues, but, the fact is that those of them that want to be there, does just that; deals with it.  they support us, talk to us, understand how hard it is, and most of all, they show their love even more.  i am sure that you love your wife, however, you have to always love yourself more.  good luck

 Reply posted for Drew.

I am sorry to hear the latest update.   Unfortunately, it sounds like her mind has been made up. 

Separation is always difficult when there are kids involved.  The best advice I can offer is to be as civil/cordial as possible to their mother for their sake.   Try not to put them in the middle.

Don't let her rob you of your self-confidence.....that is something nobody can take from you.  You are going to have a tough time for a while, but you can rebuild from the foundation up, and come out stronger.  

 Reply posted for Lizzies Mom.

Thank you for the kind words.  I sure have thought of counseling and want it but unfortunately, she does not.  The only response I get is that she needs to time and space to work things out.  That has further amplified my feelings as that does not make any sense to me.

We I beleive had our final argument today and I think it is over.  I know I will get through this painful time eventually but fear my future without her.  Any self-confidence of which I used to have alot is shattered so I will need to rebuild everything about who I am. 

I am stressed now because of the two high school boys who now have to go through this.  They are not taking it well.  Thanks again for listening.

 Reply posted for Drew.

I can relate somewhat to how you are feeling.  A long time ago I was engaged to a great guy.   Family, friends, associates kept at me to set the date.  However, something inside me was nagging at me and I couldn't.  After much deliberation, I broke off the engagement.   At the time, everyone (including my own family) was devastated.   I have to tell you, it was the BEST thing I could have done.   I couldn't live a lie, which is why when you said you don't know if you can go on in the marriage knowing she no longer loves you, I get that.    My ex-fiance had lied to me and it haunted me day after day.....I would second guess everything that came out of his mouth and I couldn't endure a lifetime of doubts. 

I'm a mom of a 10 yr. old who was diagnosed with CD when she was 4.   Sure it was stressful (what an understatement), but I stood by her.   Never leaving her side (not for a minute...even when the nurses in the hospital promised they'd stay w/her and I needed rest), and certainly no weekend excursions w/o her.

Don't ever feel defeated.......things happen for a reason.  Only you know in your heart what would be best for YOU.   Have you thought about counseling w/her?  It may be worth a try.   This isn't just her choice, its yours too.   Set a deadline so the stress of waiting for the other shoe to drop doesn't take a further toll on your UC.   After all, stress certainly doesn't help.

There are lots of understanding people on this forum.   Good luck.

Lizzies Mom