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Husband Insensitive to Bathroom Issues

Thu, January 10, 2019 9:59 PM

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at age 12, 21 years ago.  At age 14, I had a colectomy.  Since then, my stools have been explosive and urgent to say the least. I have been self-conscious of this since I was a teenager, as going to high school with major diarrhea was humiliating.  For years, I avoided even going to other people's houses for fear of going to the bathroom.  I even avoided eating food throughout the day all through high school to reduce the chance of going there.  It took almost three years of dating my now husband to be comfortable going to the bathroom while he was in any room near.  Well, over the last few months I have had some issues and have decided to get the BCIR surgery.  I was just talking to my husband about how relieved I was to never have to be embarrassed about going to the bathroom and how this has ruined my life, the fear of having explosive diarrhea where people can hear.  Well, about 5 minutes later I was going to the bathroom and he made a joke about how loud and disgusting it was.  It was so insensitive, and he has never said anything like that before.  I am so self-conscious about this that I have been crying for over an hour.  He said he was sorry, but I just don't know how to get past this or how to explain to him how much he has set me back.  I don't even know how I will feel comfortable using a public restroom again or even my own bathroom anymore now.  

FPO mentinga113
Joined Jan 10, 2019

Fri, April 05, 2019 1:04 PM

Reply posted for mentinga113.

My husband thinks his jokes cheer me up. They don't. But over many years I've learned to ground myself in the fact that he so desperately wants to cheer me up that he'll risk saying the most stupid stuff ever. It still hurts sometimes, though.

FPO yb63104
Joined Apr 5, 2019

Wed, March 06, 2019 10:02 AM

Reply posted for mentinga113.

Hi. I've been thinking about this message since I read it about two months ago (really stuck with me!). My fiance is one to never tease about my stomach issues, and its at the point where we fart in front of each other (he only started after I expressed embarrassment for my farting all the time). He says he'd rather me feel comfortable than feel like I have to hide my disease. I have told him more than once how important his support is to me, and how helpful it has been in accepting my disease.

I think it is very important that you sit down with your husband and discuss this--make it clear how hurtful this was for you, and that you need him to be accepting of your disease and supportive. He may never have considered that this would be embarrassing for you, since he loves you and probably grew up making fart and poop jokes as a young boy. 

Just remember-- your body is trying its best to be healthier and feel good, it just has gotten a little confused about how to do that. Someitmes we just need to accept it for what it is and try not to focus on it.

My only other advice is therapy to help with coping skills (has been very helpful for me) and Gasx to help with the gas!

FPO lwcrohns
Joined Dec 17, 2018

Tue, January 15, 2019 11:08 AM

Reply posted for mentinga113.

In my opinion, I think it is best to become calm and collected, and then sit down and have a deep conversation with your husband about your disease. It may seem like you are trying to make him feel bad for you, but that may be what needs to happen. Tell him everything you have ever struggled with and everything you continue to struggle with and how all of his effects you, not only physically but emotionally as well. He needs to understand that this is something you are self-conscious about and have no control over, and you definitely hate it more than he ever will. 
I have trouble with my "friends" understanding how serious my Chron's disease is, and I feel as if it is the same with your husband. Since he is your husband, he needs to understand and I feel as if it is best you make sure that he understands how serious it is.

FPO kelliwithchrons
Joined Jul 17, 2018

Tue, January 15, 2019 10:47 AM

Reply posted for mentinga113.

I am so sorry you had the experience!  I too feel embarressed going to the restroom when anyone is near... which is terribly inconvenient.  I wish I had an answer that could make this all better.  My husband has said some things that are insensitive- I just don't think some personalities understand how hurtful words can be especially when it is a joke about a topic you are Self-conscious of.  

In 2018 we welcomed our 2nd son.  After his birth I spiraled with these insane infections.  I had 4 skin infections that needed medical attention- one the required hospitalization.  I recently started the switch from Remicade to Entivyo to hopefully help the occurance of these skin infections.  However, about two weeks ago I got out of the shower and noticed small red circle spots up and down my arms.  I was thinking that it was either eczema or my psoriasis was coming back.  My husband at that time decided to say "you have more skin issues than anyone i know".  I was absolutely hurt and crushed.  I am so self-conscious of my looks, especially because of the skin issues I have had since dianosed with UC in 2010.  I told him that his comment was hurtful and explained... he apolozied, similar to your spouse, but it doesn't erase the insecurity that was caused by his comment.  Thankfully a little coconut oil cleared up the spots but I will always remember his remark any time there is the tinest flaw in my skin.

I currently see a therapist which has helped me with working through my emotions.  My UC is very much stressed induced and with two little ones, stress is a common theme in my personal life.  I also work full time- so my life is constant insanity.  Perhaps seeing a therapist, if you don't already, can help you channel some of your emotions?

Some personalities just don't understand that sometimes we just want our feelings to be taken into consideration.  I dont know if you've watched the "it's not about the nail" ( but it is a great video that shows how sometimes men tend to want to fix our problems instead of listening to them.  

If you'd ever like a penpal my email is community is everything! 

Joined Jan 14, 2019

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