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I really need some advise. I'm in tears as I write this. Basically fistuals & crohn's is about to ruin my marriage. We have been together for 5 years and next week is our second wedding anniversary. We've also had two miscarriages. My husband does not understand the mental and physical toll that this disease does to me. I will admit that sex is very painful and there will be times when we'll go 3 weeks without doing anything. He feels that I'm making excuses when really he doesn't understand that it hurts and it bothers me too not being intiment. Also, he is now beginning to make me feel as if I'm the reason that we've had miscarriages and that i cannot get/stay pregnant. We've been trying for a year and nothings happened. This is starting to emotionally effect me. I'm usually a tough girl but when someone loves you and doesn't understand, it makes it really hard. In the beginning of our relationship he was so understanding, but i now think that he's been so upset from the pregnancies and our slowed down sex life, that he's now becoming upset. I know how he's feeling, i just don't know what else i can say or do to make him understand what's happening with me. We both believe in God and have a lot of faith, but i now believe that we are being tested. I don't want to loose my marriage. Does anyone have any suggestiions on how to help him cope.

Thanks!  

 Reply posted for hesaves.

People that don't have Crohn's Colitis and all the other digestive diseases do not ... DO NOT understand.  I know because I have tried soooo many times to explain and to inform my family about why I have changed certain things in my life... I mean i have tried very hard to have them understand and they just don't get it.  

 Reply posted for hesaves.

I agree with a lot of the advice on here ... I see it's been about 6 months since you posted originally and I hope you guys have been able to come up with a solution.

The only thing I thought of when reading this is, are you able to be intimate other than intercourse? There is a wonderful book called 'Guide to Getting It On' by goofyfoot press that could help with intimacy.

I've been having some issues also physically, and also recently engaged, and so far he has been understanding but I fear that there will be a strain eventually. So far we are finding other ways of being intimate without intercourse, and lots of talking ... hope that helps, let us know how it's going!!

PeACE<

 Reply posted for hesaves.

my only advice is to seek some kind of counseling...if your husband loves you, he'll agree.  obviously it will be hard, but it could be worth it.  other than that, i can only wish you good luck...
if it helps at all, you're not alone.  i was diagnosed with crohn's a little over a year ago & it's been rough.  my husband & i have been together for over 4 years, married for 6 months... we've went a month without sex because it either hurts or i'm just too uncomfortable. for the most part, he understands, but it has strained our relationship.  the best thing i've found is just talking to him...if he understands how i'm feeling, it seems easier for him to deal with it.  i think the worst part for him is watching me suffer & know that he can't do anything.  despite all his understanding, there are still frustrating moments...maybe i just expect too much... just don't give up!  i hope things get better for you...either you can have a baby or you two can accept that impossibility. 

 Reply posted for hesaves.

11 yr wedding anniversary, 10 years with Crohn's.  I get it!.  Your fistulas (or IBD) may be fixed by treatment, OR IT MIGHT NOT.  you need to talk with your spouse.  redefine normal, needs, expectations.  Be honest about your fears, physical symptoms, what makes you hesitate, or even what medical professionals have restricted you from doing!  Get some counseling for yourself : an expert in chronic health issues, pain, grief counseling.....And consider family counseling or help for your spouse.  they need to grieve too.  And maybe they can talk the talk of understanding... but not walk the path with you.  There is no guarantee.  some marriages with IBD have failed....some have gotten stronger.  I don't like it, but I have gone more than 2yrs without sex due to my disease.  My husband was not permanently damaged.  our marriage is stronger because it has been tempered.

 Reply posted for hesaves.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Hang in there!!

 Reply posted for larimorek.

I agree with any type of excercise just mentioned. It scares me sometimes to wonder to far from the bathroom. Especially since not making it back in time from a walk gone bad  while on my lunch break. I have found that treadmills are good for bad anxiety days. I also find that changing up any physical activity a little also works to lower the anxiety.

Hope this is finding you with better surroundings,

mensapirate

 Reply posted for hesaves.

I too have fistulas.  It has definetly put a damper on the intimacy.  My husband of 24 years has been very supportive which I am grateful for!  I did learn that the more I opened up about my disease and explained (sometimes on a daily basis) how I was feeling, that helped him understand.  I even took him to some of my doctor appts so he could hear it from them too.

I would suggest if you are not getting the help you need with your doctor that you look into other doctors.  I just did that and am so pleased with my switch.  Although he is going to change up my meds which scares me I feel I will be in a better place hopefully soon. 

Oh, when I am actively walking at least 3X's a week, it seems to help calm down the fistulas. 

I wish you all the best!

 Reply posted for hesaves.

hesaves,

I hate to hear the troubles you are having. I would like to say that i understand what you are going thru. But in reality everyone is different in how their chronic disease hits them. I agree that we should trust in God. You cannot ever feel tht you did something wrong. Or tht you are a bad person and that is why you have this disease. And just because you pray and ask to be healed does not mean it will happen.  You have to believe that God loves you and is there for you. If you and you husband have good communication I suggest you both agree and set a time to talk. Let him know exactly what you are feeling. Do not throw everything at him at one time but make him aware that over time you will reveal everything. This will also be a time for you to hear how he is feeling. Without attacking each other work on building each other up. If you do not have good comm i suggest getting with a Christian Counselor. Do not get someone you know or a friend of the family. You want to be able to be open in the sesssions. Just remember that you husband will never know exactly how you are feeling but through comm you can give him some idea. Take one day at a time. We tend to look at times we are flaring and feel like it is going to last forever. But i can tell you that it does not last forever. Through meds or it just running its course it can go into remission just as fast as it started the flare. Stay strong.

**Sorry, not that good at limited what i have to say in a limited space.

Mensapirate

 Reply posted for hesaves.

I will try to post later. I am having technical difficulty.

 Reply posted for hesaves.

Hugs to you and your hubby.

It is very difficult for someone who does not know the yuckiness of the disease to understand.  I have been there.  It did damage our relationship but we are trying to rebuild it. 

I am going out on a limb here.  I am going to encourage you to think outside of the box.  You have to gain control of your body and heal.  God put the answers out there.  There is not an illness He can not cure.  He provides all that we need.  There are many sides to this illness and all of them must be dealt with and it will take a while.  Search "Listen to Your Gut" on the internet.  Read what she has to say.  Go to crohnsboy.com and read it carefully.  I am throwing the doctor's out the door and taking over my healing.  I have already had great success and I am getting better everyday.

Ray and I now enjoy life together.  We are "middle" aged.  Hmmm, who says....  I am having to overcome a lot of image issues.  Let's face it, the disease does something to your "feeling sexy" factor.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 

Breezy