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I am 38. I have had Crohns Disease since I was 12. I have had over 15 surgeries and have 2 feet of small intestine left. I have a port a cath and do TPN 12 hours every night, I have short bowel syndrome so I weigh about 90 lbs (I am 51"). I have severe watery diarrhea and frequent fecal incontinence (I sometimes wear depends to bed). I have tried every anti diarrhea med on the market and nothing helps (I am in talks with a hospital about a small bowel transplant). I was with my husband since I was 18. We married in 94 and we separated in 2008 because he is an alcoholic. After a year and a half alone I am starting to talk to guys, one in particular that I knew when I was a teenager and we just reconnected (thank you Facebook). How in the world do explain this to him??? I have no idea how to approach this. He knows I am sick and have Crohns but I am embarrassed about explaining the rest. My ex husband was there through the whole thing as it gradually happened so he was used to it but how do you just come out and say to someone, sometimes I sh*t the bed, or my pants, will he be horrified?? I wear feminine pads placed in the rear of my enderwear in case of leaks, I go to the bathroom up to 15 times a day watery and smelly (not exactly a turn on for a new relationship) and I have to have to carry a backpack with the TPN around every night. Can ANYONE relate or at least give me some advise? I want to start a relationship and I want to put everything out on the table but I am scared he will be grossed out. Please help!

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

I understand how hard it can be to date with this disease.  It took me a while (and a lot of bad dates), but I finally realized that it was best to put it all out there right from the start - no use finding out a couple of months in that he can't deal with it, right?  On my first date with the man I eventually married, I told him that I had a chronic illness, trouble with relationships, and that I cried a lot.  I honestly was just fed up with trying to hide it.  He continued to date me and about three weeks into our relationship, I told him the details.  He was actually relieved because he was just happy that I didn't have an STD.  I don't think he really knew what he was in for, but he's stuck with me through my flares and my tears.  If it's the right person, it really will be ok.  Oh, and if you haven't tried probiotics, you should.  I use Amazing Grass because it's power mixed with liquid and I think I absorb it better than a pill.  I also highly recommend finding a good therapist.

 Reply posted for english chic.

At some point you need to quit being embarrassed. It is hard but instead of not living your life you need to educate people about your disease and that you cannot help it. I was so embarrassed when I was first having symptoms it was difficult for me to discuss them with my doctor. Two years later I am married to a wonderful man who cares for me when I have flare ups. If the guy does not understand that you are ill and that it is something that is going to be around forever and be a large part of your life then you don't want him. I know this is a horrible disease to come to terms with and I hate to say it but I have a sense of humor about it now, a sad form of coping. You are going to have to find a way to tell people that is not too awkward for you, IBD is part of you and you would be surprised how many people understand.

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

Still not sure what to do about fecal incontinence! I had an endoscopy today and awoke from my "twilight state" with poop all over. It seem like when I am relaxed (like sleeping) it just leaks out. I have no control. How am I going to spend the night with someone? The nurses were funny they said "shit happens" and helped me clean up but not everyone is a nurse or in the medical field. To most people poop is just gross. I dont even know how to start this conversation with a guy. I have until March 10. I am a wreck!

 Reply posted for lstrong.

Istrong- thanks for your post. That is exactly what I am afraid of, the getting close, the sexual part, falling asleep together. I know it's going to happen but I am mad nervous about explaining the whole pooping myself, the bed, my pants thing. I know if he is any kind of a real love he will understand but should I just lay it out on the table first? I am trying not to be too worried (the stessin will probably cause a flare-wouldn't that be fun!)

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

  I dont have Crohns but I am 26 years old and when I was 24 I was diagnosed with IBD and Ulcerative Colitis. I met my current fiance' after my first year (which was horrible) of being diagnosed. I was not in remission and in fact like our first 5 dates were of me crying, pooping my brains out, and throwing up. He wanted to be there to help me though. It was very tough, espically since some of my first sexual experiences with him I pooped on him, or the bed. I just had to tell him what it was and go with the embarrassment. We now joke about it but its always in the back of my mind and its something that he has learned to deal with. I hope you can find a guy that is understanding of your condition and is willing to take the hits. Good Luck and there has got to be guys out there that would understand.

 Reply posted for sweeti0322.

Thank you all for your comments. I have tried everything, Cholestyramine powder, fiber, immodium, bentyl, liquid and pill narcottics, dto, steroids, 6mp, humira , sandostatin, remicade, almost any drug out there for Crohns ive tried. The only thing that helps the diarreha but just with the incontinence part is 24 mg Immodum 3 times a day. I still have watery diarrhea but a little more control of when to go. My guy friend is coming to visit March10. I am a wreck! I'm also super worried about buyin pretty underwear and having an accident, this is stuff you just can't talk to someone about unless they are living it!  This is the conversation I have with myself (not that I talk to myself often!) "I just wont eat. Ya! I can go five days watching everyone else eat. I ll take 3 Ensures each day to stave off hunger. Wake up! Dont you think he will notice that your not eating! Dont you think he will want to take you out at least once for a nice dinner (why does dating always have to involve food!)!" If anyone wants to continue this conversation with me let me know. I, also would like to have someone to talk to about this (sweetie0322).

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

Hi I am 35 and I completely understand what you are going through. The dating scene is very difficult. I think after 2 or 3 dates you can tell if the person is someone you would like to see more of. If that is the case, I think it is only fair to that person (and you too) to tell them about it. If they are a quality person you will find out. It is so easy to forget sometimes that nobody is perfect and that everyone uses the bathroom (of course not to the extent that we do). I too have been in a relationship with a person that abused alcohol. It was one of the most difficult things I ever through. I am single and all of my closest friends have moved on with their lives and moved to another state. If you would like to talk more please let me know, I would love to have someone who I can vent with and truly understands.

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

I totally understand.  I had some horrible relationships when quite young and then focussed on education and work.  I always felt bed but pushed through and ignorred my body the way teenagers and early 20s do.

By the time I wash 30 I was really sick and spent the next 13 years getting misdiagnosed and told things like I just don't handle stress well, I am a hypochondriac, that the pain in my gut and joints wasn't real, that I have chronic fatique, no waite it is IBS, no no fibromyalgia, then the really fun one hypogamaglobulinemia - my immune system was collapsed.  Wrongo, two years ago my gut started to bleed HEAVILY, then I was finally diagnosed with Crohns and started to get some help.  Granted, no GI specialist where I lived.

With all of this medical confusion it was hard enough to get to work and come home at night.  Meeting a guy was out of the question.  Last summer I posted on a couple of on-line dating sights and tried doing some dating from guys I met through that.  Most were idiots who lied and I never met more than once.  A couple have become friends.  One has become very important to me.  With him I let him know about three weeks into really talking with him over the phone.  Not on-line, but when we got to the phone step.  Of course now I have been in a huge flare since November and he is struggling with this. He actually got on line and did some research to learn though.  I appreciate it.  He may not stick around but at least I tried. 

Trust your feelings about when to tell.  If he cuts and runs then he isn't the guy.  If he hangs in there then that is great.  After your experience with an alcoholic you may have the tendancy to want to be the care taker.  Know you have the right in a relationship to have someone there for you too. A real partner.

Good luck!!!  To you and all of us out there single and wanting to mingle.

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

Hello,

I actually met my current boyfriend of 5 years, when my Crohn's was not very under control.  I was very nervous about telling him all the gross details.  Also, I was so nervous the first night I spent at his house.  The night time is generally the worse time for me when I am having a flare!  Being nervous seemed to make me have to go to the bathroom even more.  I finally after about 2 months realized that I just had to tell him and if he was worth keeping around, he would understand.  He wasn't sure what to say at first, but he was happy I told him.  He actually became extremely considerate of making sure we always ate somewhere there was something I could eat.  It also put him at ease because he is actually naturally very gassy!   My best advice is to just tell him.  No matter how stinky and gross lol Crohn's can be at times, it is just part of your life.  Any guy that is worth anything will understand and love you anyway.  

I feel like Crohn's has made me a much more compassionate person.  Sorry for the italics, I can't seem to get it back to the normal font.  

It's hard but even as gross as Crohn's get, don't be embarrassed!  This may be too much information, but I have learned to help with the smell when you go to the bathroom, just flush as soon as anything gets in the toilet.  It has helped me keep the smell down and not be as embarrassed.

Good luck with everything!  As a side note, if you ever need to talk to anyone about alcoholism, feel free to contact me.  My mom is an alcoholic so I can understand a lot when it comes to that too.  I hope the doctors are able to get you feeling better!

 Reply posted for ts1ds1.

Have you tried the cholestramine powder. I have the same kind of watery bm's as you and this powder has allowed me to leave the house!! I take it in the morning and before I go to bed.

As far as your love life goes, I would go ahead and tell him all the gruesome detail up front. He needs to know what he has to deal with. You also need to know that he can cope with and understand your disease before you do something crazy like fall in love!!! It's hard for our families and friends to deal with this disease too. I would give him a heads up from the start. Give him chance to get out without any heart ache. Let me know what you decide